2003-04-09 - 11:32 p.m.
OK, I don't have time to put this all into prose so I'm just going to unload it all here extemporaneously:
first of all, working nightshift definitely has its good points... it's more laid back than dayshift and I'm very much a night person. But yeah, it's real real chill (unless something breaks or goes wrong). And when I'm coming home from work in the morning rush hour traffic, I'm just winding down. I feel all those people trying to get their corporate slave, sell out to society, 401K whore, employee asses to work on time -- but I am so not into the whole trip. I'm in my own little world, just trying to get closer to home (and farther away from them).
I'm in my own little world. It took a trip to the dentist years ago to wake me up to this fact. He put me on laughing gas while excavating one of my molars and I had a revelation while on the stuff. Now most people claim to experience a relaxation and mild euphoria but not me. I go off into a major mind trip. I start connecting the American Dental Association with racketeers and monopolists in the oral hygiene conglomerate conspiracy. But after returning from that mental vacation it became evident to me how little people know of what goes on inside of each of us. Each life is like a private world of feelings and emotions and heartache and pain and trials and sufferings and crushes and agonizing numbness to the same things going on in others. I haven't done much with that knowledge. That knowledge pretty much started changing me. I'm not so quick to judge anymore...
Like the driver who pulled out in front of me and blocked the left turn lane so I had to wait for the thru light to turn green so she could pull all the way into that lane... Even though I could've gone around the back of her had she not had a big bonanza bike rack mechanism sticking out of the back of her family sized SUV... and even though I could have gone around the back of her head and smacked it one time... but did I do that?
NO. Because I'm not in a hurry, I simply shake my head and smile at her fast freewheeling frenzy and think about bonehead moves I've made in the past, even when I was straight (not saying she wasn't straight. That's just the frame of mind I was in at the time...)
I'm seriously rethinking this whole issue of ambition and money. I don't need the stress. I'd rather just find something I like doing and concentrate on that. The trouble is I like doing so many things. I always end up doing too many things. I've got to narrow down the range of possibillities. Atleast until I get some more money. Oh yeah, that's where that came from.
Bottom Line: I realize that I can be conditioned to endure just about any situation no matter how unbearable it may seem. Somewhere inside of me there's a button that gets pushed -- then it's freakyouout time!
and I mean that in the best way possible...
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